man, oh man where to even start...
how can someone be so emotional yet show no emotion externally??
you are probably questioning what I even mean, and how is that possible... so here goes nothing. Me is who I am talking about. I feel so deep, and I can be really emotional. Yeah, I know it's not common to hear of a man be emotional or even admit he is. that is where my numbness comes in. for many years, I mastered the ability to keep a straight serious face with no emotion whatsoever. walking around mean mugging like I had a chip on my shoulder, yet in the inside it was day and night polar opposites of my Physical exterior.
The advantage of this Superpower was I wasn't bothered or messed with because it looked like I could snap at any given moment.
The downfall was when it was time to start to show emotion and be affectionate, I was not able to, well to the extant I would have wanted too because for all those years I didn't show emotion besides behind the four walls that I called my room I had no idea how to express. I've lost my ability to show love, emotion, communicate and express....
I'm so nervous to write about this because I know it could possibly cause an insecurity or tension between my girlfriend and I, but this is how I got a reality check so that I didn't have to continue that unhealthy lifestyle of not expressing my emotions and gradate I'm still a working progress.
Before I started to date the wonderful women that if God allows me to see and live to be my future Fiancé and Wife, I was single for a couple of years prior. Not because I had no choice but because the event that happen in my previous relationship that made me focus on my inner issues, unhealed wounds, and work on all my toxic traits that only caused that person heartache and insecurities probably for the rest of her life wondering what she did so wrong to deserve to be treated like she was towards the ends of that chapter of that relationship.
I can't say I didn't show any type of emotion because I did but it gradually decreased more and more as time went on. seeing no change from her or showing me the type of attention and love I wanted and needed because those that know me knows I will shut down pretty quick if I feel unwelcomed or not giving the proper time of the day.
I took the time to get to know her, but I felt like she wasn't. she was just happy to be with someone is how I saw it as. It took me a couple of months to realize this and of course me not knowing how to EXPRESS and VERBALLY communicate to let her know, nothing changed it continued and me assuming she would notice and change like I did when I noticed things that made her uncomfortable, I did or said.
But nope.
Nothing, time kept going a year and a half went by and I had already emotionally checked out by then. you would wonder why I even stayed... I was scared to be alone. She was my first official girlfriend and felt like after that I probably wouldn't have another because I wasn't confident, funny, charming, physically good looking, etc... the list can go on and on. You could say I had no self-worth, argument after argument. neither one looking eye to eye not even a middle ground to get over it. Both were stubborn and had no Idea how to express our concerns of how we felt assuming. I felt like she should have just known but all that did was becoming anger that grow into bitterness and hate. and what added to that was she was pushing to get married really early in the relationship as well as some of our friends. that just made me angrier because I was already noticing the toxic cycle, we both continued to endure, and I wasn't going to be committed to be with someone I was not equally yoked with. sorry not sorry.
so, I mustered enough courage after a few more months to just end it and my turning point on how my toxic traits were blinded by my own pride was when I told her to meet so we can talk (break up with her) she said something that made me realize I was so wrong and a jerk.
Just before leaving after, I told her I wasn't going to continue to be with her she said " can I say something? Before you choose to date again, whoever you date learn to communicate so you don't hurt them like you hurt me"....
WOW....
I got mad I'm not going to lie, and I could have said so many things, but I didn't. I let her go and going home that night I stopped mid-way and remembered of every time I was ignorant and stubborn and angry so so angry because of not being loved like I wanted to be and for once in my life I saw how horrible of a human being I was. I no longer became angry but upset and very disappointed in the person I have become, I was such a kind boy growing up but because of not knowing how to express and communicate I did that person so wrong and I'm sure she is still insecure about her whole life and person she is.
So, for that I am sorry I've caused you doubt and more insecurities because of my pride and unwillingness to change my mindset and toxic traits from my own insecurities. I wish you the best, but I can no longer let my mistakes hold me from my future and how far and hard I've worked to be the best version of myself.
To my current love and forever future...
I'm sorry if this makes you uncomfortable in any way, shape, or form but this is what made me be the Man I am today. I hope you can see the me now is nothing like I was then. I also hope you are not insecure of our future or me after reading this, I can promise you to show you I am not going back reverting to my old self but keep pushing and striving forward for ME, for You, and our FUTURE.
Now to the People reading...
Men, please learn to communicate and voice your option in a healthy way to prevent leaving people hurt, full of insecurities, and trust issues because of our unwillingness to change and becoming better Boyfriend, fiancés, and spouses.
Woman, learn to be more specific when you do communicate and express your concerns. WE men done always know what you think and want from us unless you communicate too. this is not to throw dirt, but to shed some light into a very common recurrent situation that happen in relationships today in age.
LET HEAL!!!! for you, for me, our future and our kids who don't deserve to carry this nasty cycle any more than what we carried it for. let's change the world and we can't do that until we choose to change ourselves one by one.
Commentaires