this one will hurt...
can I be real and raw with you today?
For years I felt to deep and to hard but in the privacy of my room... I've broke and cried may days and nights without any trace of any sort, so no one would know.
Putting on my mask of cheerful and Brightful me, exhausting who I was and the little bit of energy I mustered up every morning for those I love that were hurting. wondering when it would be my turn to be helped and rescued from my miseries, I felt hopeless in a never-ending wait. As time went by, I learned to live with low amounts of energy pouring into almost empty cups knowing good and well every day I did I had nothing left for me leaving me in a nasty never-ending cycle... But seeing my loved ones be okay and move on was worth it right? At least that's what I would tell myself to keep pushing forward day after day.
Days filled with fake smiles and laughter knowing I was dying in the inside as my soul was wailing and screaming out but at a frequency no one could hear, covering all my faults and wrongs I've done because of shame and disgust of my past. Calling it how it was A MONSTER... longing to be heard and understood.
I yelled HELP into the absits, no one it's been days, weeks, months, years and no one could hear me. Walking pass people I hated, loved, and people I've never met. I thought I found the solution. being the black sheep in the family, an outcast you can say I isolated not knowing that was the devil's playground.
FINALLY... at least that's what I thought. I drowned into bottles of alcohol, leading into weed, lean, and pills. I thought I found the solution of my problems and feelings I had no idea how to deal with. Becoming more and more codependent on them to live and function. Waking up in the mornings my mask became the bottles I drowned in. filled with giggles and hiccups helping through the day. Money spent who cares when I die, I can't spend it so why not now. Right?
now clean and writing this I feel so stupid! that's a lot of money I could have had and be in a better place financially today.
I am in a better place now after years of harboring all that in I finally released it into the ears of the one who I hold in my heart. She didn't judge me at least not that I know of. it feels so good to let it go and move past the shame and the worry of "will I ever move on and live my life to the fullest". I want to say it gets better and that it won't bother you anymore, but if you are anything like me your mind never rest and when you do the shame wants to creep back in and that empty feeling making a pit in your chest wants to takeover making you feel so unworthy of love. you feel so less than the person you want, have, or desire to be with.
I'm still working on that part of my life because next to her I feel so small, somedays filth even you can say because how can someone who had been so hurt yet overcome and let me just say beautiful feel any amount of love for this monster, the screw up in the family, and this Calloused heart barely beating to survive when she first meant me.
If this, is you keep pushing find a good outlet and please. Please don't be afraid to seek help I regret losing years of my life for not speaking up. Wondering what life would have been like if I just asked to be heard and how would life be for me right now...
there is hope and there is an end to that tunnel that seems never ending, I am living proof of this, and I can tell you and promise you if you stay consistent with yourself and health and deal with your mental health you will be just fine.
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