For many years I felt like I was running on a treadmill that never stopped for me to catch my own breath until I fell off and always ended up really hurt. By now you're wondering here we go again another rant about poor Boo Hoo him...
I didn't know I was hurt for most of my childhood surviving on pure survival mode and adrenaline. I had gotten so use to it, it became a norm and it sucked because as I got older, I realized that I was broken and needed to heal. I needed to be better for my future and pick my own self out of this nasty pit I've been digging for years now.
You're wondering how can one do it on their own, does that even work? are you even healed or are you BS-ing us?
Yes, yes it does but you will need pure will power and strength to really try to change the mindset you were forced to live with and adapt to just to survive. Until you my friend hit your lowest rock bottom and reality hits you that the way you are living, and you see everyone else around moving forward while you feel stuck is when it's crucial for you to act on and choose right then and there it's time to change.
No, I'm not fully healed. I don't think anyone will ever be fully healed in an imperfect carnal world we live in.
being abused at a young age by someone that my parents entrusted me with during the day changed my whole life and prospective. Thinking what I was forced to watch and do while being recorded was ok and it was so normalized that it bled into my life throughout the years until I reached the age where sex and human anatomy was introduced in school along with the rights and wrongs... in that moment I wanted the earth to split wide open and eat me until I reached hell where I belonged.
my mind flooded with everything I lived through and done along with other thoughts like...
How can this be?
No no no I'm going to jail!
I'm a monster!
I deserve to die!
I can't tell anyone about what happened to me!
how could I do something like this?
From that moment on is when the overthinker in me was created. I wanted to make sure this would not continue, and I would make sure I played every scenario and I mean EVERY SCENSRIO in my life before acting on it. Getting overwhelmed I started to hang out with a different crowd because of internal shame leading me to drink and party. Drinking felt really good, and I noticed I was not focusing on anything just feeling good it became a nasty cycle that became my addiction. Leading to more addictions because I was getting so use to drinking it took more quantities to get me buzzed every time. I wanted something stronger to forget faster leading into weed, lean, and even pills for a while. All throughout my high school years I was always high and or drunk. Due to shame walking pass the people I've did wrong by and those I was forced to do things with I wanted to forget and that was my only option, so I thought.
My Rock Bottom...
October 17,2014 I was at a friend's house that night, but this was the night everything changed me. I had gotten picked up that afternoon to party as a celebration to me (not sure why). I remember all the weed and alcohol that night. I remember everyone that was there including I even remember this one girl that I've never met only talked through (as friends) on social media. we got to the house, we all ended up rolling and cracking the alcohol open as soon as we stepped foot in the house. Drinks were flowing and the chain was started in a clockwise rotation. Started by yours truly of course... then what felt like a blink of an eye we went through 5 blunts and just me alone have gone through the biggest bottle of pineapple new Amsterdam vodka bottle. Time went on and my second bottle was finished along with 5 more blunts... Did it stop there? NO. I reached into my wallet and pull money out and asked to get more alcohol. Nine beers later after that I needed to go pee... Then it happened the thing That made me realized I didn't want this no more.
I only Pee'd (not on myself) and when I went to pull my shorts up... I BLACKED OUT.
I fell into the tub hitting my left temple on the lever that allows you to turn on your shower. I had locked the door so no one could get in when I had fallen. Finally, they get in the bathroom seeing me passed out foaming out of the mouth... what do they do? laugh and take picture of me passed out with my shorts to my knees. Then turning on the shower and leaving me in the tub while they went to McDonalds for food. As the tub filled up with water because of my barf that clogged the drain. Almost over flooding my face left to drown while still unconscious, they step into the house and ran upstairs and turn off the water (Thank God) and proceeded to text my brother to get my dad to pick me up. The next day I saw the UNTHINKABLE... On social media I saw the pictures they took of me seeing myself passed out and pretty much naked for everyone (In school, their families, my family, friends, etc...) to see.
Rock bottom I went...
It's a repulsive feeling in the pit of your stomach no hangover ever could compare too. It eats at you with shame, hurt, anger, and sadness knowing you've resorted to all this just to be put on display in the front cover of the magazine of biggest fools. After that night I was on a sober lifestyle endured the name calling and mocking in the halls as well as in the public of those who saw the picture. I was a little over 5 years sober of alcohol, 7 years sober from everything else now I drink in occasions I'm not going to lie but I do limit myself heavily and refuse to end up like I was abusing alcohol on the regular.
Reflection...
So, yes you can change. You can do this! You have the will power and sheer strength to pull yourself out of that nasty cycle of loving the wrong people. You can choose to lose that habit that's leaving you broke and broken. You can change the script in your life and become a better version of who you care and it's going to be hard no everyone can cut it off cold turkey and that ok. Baby steps my friends... Small steps lead to a farther destiny/ purpose in life that requires bigger changes, but I promise you can do this. Fine an outlet to help with the hard days where I can be easier to just crack one open, send that person a text that will lead to regret the next day, or get something stronger that can kill you from having too much of. Mine was church I got involved in the church I ended up going one Friday night and as more involved I became it became so much easier to let go of that that was keeping me on that treadmill leaving me tired and wore out with no progress in my life.
It's time for a new change or revamp the lifestyle or life period for our personal selflove journey and future that will help us become better lovers to our spouses and kids. Let's face it we also owe it to ourselves to be better and surpass our parents and those who are in our lives to help mold us into adults/ parents.
I may have hardened my heart toward things and some people but above all that I still care and love passionately. Life by all means has not been my friend one could say but I refuse to let my hurts continue to hurt others around me.
Those that are reading this and know me know I smile a lot and am a pretty joyful person underneath the hard serious face exterior. but you also need to see passed that smile and happiness to know I wasn't like this before, life crapped on me for years back-to-back days and I could have stayed bitter and refuse to change because how unfair life's been to me.
I don't and I won't. I've learned my emotional connection is so sensitive to others allowing me to connect in a deeper level because I put my own self and mind in their place and try to relate to the feelings they feel when that open up to me. the downside is I need reassurance because the scary part of this is I feel so much harder than I did before if I trust you, you have to understand it took everything in me to do so.
So be kind to those around as well you don't know what demons they've delt with to be where they are today. Lifes hard as it is and for me personally all I ask is for honesty and dedications from the ones I love. If your fully in for me then do so because I know I will be for you.
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