Let me switch it up a bit on today's blog.
today I felt something new it was refreshing. It was like for the first time in months I could breathe and stand up for the first time.
After a rough weekend and I'm not going to lie for several weekends/ weeks we have been off and on in my new relationship. No. When I say off and on, I'm not saying leaving and coming back to each other. What I'm referring about connecting and trusting each other. we get off so easily if I'm not grumpy or upset she is, and it seemed like we couldn't find a happy median. We love each other so above it all we stick together and talk it through.
Either I'm off because I am insecure or upset at something foolish going on in my personal life, or she is off because of her retarded ex-husband setting her off and that bleeds into our life or she is upset at comments I make because we all know I pick the worst timing to say things.
this weekend was hard though...
We had a great time at the beach and chilled afterwards with a great leftover dinner (my girl can really cook I don't care what anyone said before) and a bonfire and with a few drinks.
what tripped me out was the way my folks acted. All we wanted to do this weekend was spend time with them so she can bond and form a stronger relationship with them. but all I ever got from my mother was a none decided plan I got the famous words " I don't know yet"... we have planned this for 2 weeks prior and every time I asked it was the same answer. It was frustrating PISSED was not the word for how I felt because this was not right even if it wasn't their intention to do that its till really screwed up.
the next day we tried again and guess what the same thing they made plans, so we waited for them to get back and went over and spent some time, but no one came out to our bonfire and the 3 that did not look to enthuse or anything. it was a bust to say the least...
Memorial Day came we only planned to have a cookout on this weekend for 2 weeks but what did she say to me "no because there is no money"... so the day came and guess what was going to happen that afternoon after she told me no?
You guessed it a cookout.
-_-
talk about infuriating I was pissed I flipped out and told My Mother how it was. My girl still came over and her kids we had a good time for a bit, she felt awkward not feeling welcomed like she has been in the past and other things came up that made me uncomfortable and mad.
Talk about a heck of emotions going through me and a crap ton of fear thinking great she is going to leave me because she didn't feel accepted or welcomed. I got in my head like always drowning in fear and so much doubt.
Now for today...
I don't care who says what or feels how they feel about me and her. My family can suck a bag of dicks through a straw. They will not dictate me or change how I feel about her as well as her family if they felt the same about me secretly. I don't care what anyone says about my feeling and my CHOICE in partner in crime for the rest of my life on this earth because spoiler alert we are going to be getting engaged and married.
when it tells you today felt different it did? I can't explain to you exactly how it feels but it was a comforting feeling. A feeling like a weight was lifted off of me and for the first time in a while I felt at peace with me and her. five minutes late. She send me the most meaningful text I've ever received by anyone or told by anyone ever and could not stop choking up or stop crying while reading it. Telling me how she won't let go and how she is sticking with me through thick and thin. That she is not running... When I read those words, it hit something inside that was so tender because everyone in my life had left or got my hopes up them destroyed them. Only leaving me with the trust issue and doubt that always torments my mind even now always wondering this is too good to be true when will she leave me like everyone else did.
She sees me, loves me, accepts all my short comings, and flaws as I continue to work on them for me, her, and our future. So today was a new day a great day at that this was just the cherry on top and could not be more thankful for who she is and how she treats me and loves me unconditionally even when I gave her so many reasons why not to be with me.
TODAY 6/1/22 marks a new era for me and her, new beginning's, A NEW CHAPTER...
leys make this count and prove all the haters wrong by living our life careless but under Gods will!
here's to our future!!
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